Lord of the Stiff

Here's the reply to that message I sent to WhyTheLuckyStiff:

why the lucky stiff
to me

Kerry Creeron wrote:

> Also, one of my friends has a large fixation on Sour Patch kids, and
> he's sort of a fatty.

Kerry, I'm writing you back even though you have fat friends. This is against my better judgement, since I know that your friends are probably pressing hot dogs up against the screen and there is probably mayonnaisse and lettuce evaarywheiiire. (Like check your IOMEGA ZIP drives.) Still, try to read my letter.

You sound like a really nice young man. You remind me of one of my friends who was a voice actor in Claymation movies. He was in a movie called "The Shoelaces of Time," but in England it's called "The Hawk and the Boy Who Saved Monkeys and the Monkey's Shoelaces of Time." The movie is basically to help abused children recover from abuse, years later when they have a bit more time to watch Claymation movies on cable TV. In the movie, there's a kid who gets abused CONSTANTLY. The first hour of the movie is this kid getting walloped by his Dad in Claymation. This kid is so abused that he starts to believe in monkeys. It's a screwed-up kid. It turns out fine, though, because this hawk come down from heaven screaming at the top of its lungs. And the Dad comes out to see what all the noise is and the hawk swoops down
and rips the Dad's face off.

It's a very gratifying moment for abused kids to watch. They go nuts. I've seen abused kids watch the show and _EVERY SINGLE TIME_ they give the show a standing ovation. Even if it's in an electronics store and they happened to catch a few minutes on the big wall of TVs.

It's a real tearjerker, too. The kid grows up to be this adult with famous time-travelling shoelaces. And one day he gets back from 1945 and, out of nowhere, the hawk comes down and hands the grown-up abused kid his father's face! Did you hear that? The father's ripped-off face! And it's all old and gross and Claymation. And he puts his Dad's ripped-off face over his own face -- and he presses gently. And his face becomes his father's face. And he's able to cry with his father's face on. It's really deep!

But then he can't get his father's face off, so the hawk has to swoop down and rip it off again. Anyway, my friend did the voiceover for one of the monkeys in the movie and you TOTALLY REMIND ME OF HIM!! What a small world, I hope we get buried in the same graveyard, right next to each other with toes pointed straight out.

_why