Lord of the Stiff

Here's the reply to that message I sent to WhyTheLuckyStiff:

why the lucky stiff
to me

Kerry Creeron wrote:

> Also, one of my friends has a large fixation on Sour Patch kids, and
> he's sort of a fatty.

Kerry, I'm writing you back even though you have fat friends. This is against my better judgement, since I know that your friends are probably pressing hot dogs up against the screen and there is probably mayonnaisse and lettuce evaarywheiiire. (Like check your IOMEGA ZIP drives.) Still, try to read my letter.

You sound like a really nice young man. You remind me of one of my friends who was a voice actor in Claymation movies. He was in a movie called "The Shoelaces of Time," but in England it's called "The Hawk and the Boy Who Saved Monkeys and the Monkey's Shoelaces of Time." The movie is basically to help abused children recover from abuse, years later when they have a bit more time to watch Claymation movies on cable TV. In the movie, there's a kid who gets abused CONSTANTLY. The first hour of the movie is this kid getting walloped by his Dad in Claymation. This kid is so abused that he starts to believe in monkeys. It's a screwed-up kid. It turns out fine, though, because this hawk come down from heaven screaming at the top of its lungs. And the Dad comes out to see what all the noise is and the hawk swoops down
and rips the Dad's face off.

It's a very gratifying moment for abused kids to watch. They go nuts. I've seen abused kids watch the show and _EVERY SINGLE TIME_ they give the show a standing ovation. Even if it's in an electronics store and they happened to catch a few minutes on the big wall of TVs.

It's a real tearjerker, too. The kid grows up to be this adult with famous time-travelling shoelaces. And one day he gets back from 1945 and, out of nowhere, the hawk comes down and hands the grown-up abused kid his father's face! Did you hear that? The father's ripped-off face! And it's all old and gross and Claymation. And he puts his Dad's ripped-off face over his own face -- and he presses gently. And his face becomes his father's face. And he's able to cry with his father's face on. It's really deep!

But then he can't get his father's face off, so the hawk has to swoop down and rip it off again. Anyway, my friend did the voiceover for one of the monkeys in the movie and you TOTALLY REMIND ME OF HIM!! What a small world, I hope we get buried in the same graveyard, right next to each other with toes pointed straight out.

_why

Ruminations

I'm long overdue for an update, so this will be a long one, or so I hope. Let's talk about what's cracking in Kerryville, population me:

1. I've been working my ass off at Verizon in hopes of making big $. Programming can be an interesting enterprise at times, but at others exruciatingly dull. One of my supervisors has been reassigned, so that I now have less oversight, for better or for worse (time will tell on that one). I'm given a relatively long leash, which gives me great opportunity to pursue personal interests, such as software design practices, learning new languages, and other points of personal interest. In short, I am always learning, and to be able to get paid (well, might I add) for learning is a great blessing indeed. I'm also happy to report that I can now wear shorts to work, which shaves a good 5-10 minutes off my dressing up for work each day - another benefit.

2. I'm taking a lab class, which pretty much sucks. It's every week, which means that I have to work through my lunches at Verizon, eating 4oz. sandwiches out of a vending machine with perhaps a small bag of popcorn to tide me through the 8.5 hour day. I guess I should be thankful for the meager portions in that it aids someone who's on a diet (me). So about the lab, the TA's pretty horrible. Her explanations are crude at best, she does a poor job of troubleshooting problems with our equipment, her grading procedures are poorly outlined, and she doesn't value her time, nor does she have any sense of practicality whatsoever. Case in point: our most recent lab (monday the 27th). I'm sicker than a dog, and our equipment keeps crapping out of us. The lab is supposed to take no more than three hours, but we are there for four, and we are not the only group that stayed late. In all my time, I have never had a lab go more than its alotted time, and this lab looked easy from the lab notes. Because of her ineptitutde, and refusal to simply let us get data from another group, we had to repeat each step of the lab an average of 5 times. Imagine if we'd gotten everything right on the first try. Of course, that would never be possible given her marvelously craptacular explanations. So all told, 4 hours in the lab, I felt like crap physically, then I found $5 and was prompty kicked in the face by a master in jiu-jitsu (maybe the last part is fictional).

3. Health problems seem to be compiling. My allergies are worse than ever, and my ulnar nerve is being pinched, resulting in my being in pain whenever I use computers or do virtually anything of consequence. I've taken steps to rememdy these two ails, and I have a neurology appointment tomorrow, so hopefully that will rectify things. I've also been feeling pretty sick (body aches and the like) lately.

4. I went skydiving on Saturday, which was far and away the most amazing feeling I've had in my life. The experience was pain-free, with the exception of some minor chafing, and it's definitely something I will do again in the future.

5. Joshie Turns 21 Today! (this should really be #1 on the list).

Today's Music
Mike Doughty - Tremendous Brunettes

Seriously Microsoft, F*CK the StickyKeys Feature

StickyKeys is the stupidest thing in the entire world. Hit shift 3 times in a row, and welcome yourself to the world of pain and misery and stickyness.

Here is a transcript of an E-mail I sent to the author of This Guide To Ruby

To: why@whytheluckystiff.com

subject: Quickly Eroding Hamster Wheels

Message:
Dear Mr. Stiff,

Let me just say that you are the coolest person I have met since the actor that played the creepy guy in Silence of the Lambs. He was cooler than you are, mainly because he has an extensive hat collection, is an avid bee keeper, and has a way better baseball card collection than you do.

Today was __THE__DAY__ (omg c constants 4tw) that changed my life. I read part of your book on Ruby... while also huffing super glue, playing with rubber bouncy balls, getting mad at an infuriatingly difficult erector set that was supposed to be the visage of the Dark Lord of the Sith - yep, you guessed it - RONALD McDonald; oh, and I was totally owning that annoying ass dog at duck hunt. Bark it up, Sgt. Scruffers. It's pretty hard when you're full of lead, isn't it? BITCH!

Now for the 100.11% recycled content of my message: I <3>Today's Music
Kerry Creeron - Totally owning on your face with a soldering iron (biatch) (pointdexter slide rule remix)

Buck 65 - Corrugated Tin Facade

You look at this mess, he thought he was cheatin' god,
she leaves in the autumn, his face like a beaten dog,
now he's become everything that you hate,
now he's just in time to be too late,
his friends are like snowflakes, his lies are confessions,
behold the old man in his ruined possessions,
he can't play guitar, but he does try very hard,
pens from hotel rooms, old library card,
photos and whatnots, blood in his boots,
the sun in his eyes, anchor instead of roots,
clocks on every wall, fish in the ocean,
solitude, faith, suspicion, commotion,
the hole in his stomach tastes like words,
he dreams and imagines his face like hers,
he knows he can't live without his greatest fears,
and nothing's more beautiful than a woman's tears,

cardboard boxes full of regrets,
he feeds his remorse like you feed your pets,
voices in his head that all said live a day,
but the look in his eyes makes him a dead giveaway,
the bow that he breaks, the line that he draws,
he fell in love with the ugliness that nobody saw,
as close as he came, as far as he stood,
he loved her with his mouth, as hard as he could,
most be people change when they enter the door,
they walk home from work and remember the war,
he's diggin' a ditch and spent the day pilin',
dirt 'til it hurt, and went away smilin',
alone and heartbroken, just the way he likes it,
only the loneliness knows him wholly,
and nothing seems to work, wrong everywhere,
he watches her brushing, her long heavy hair,




Today's Music
Buck 65 - Corrugate Tin Facade